странно

почему

незнакомый

у мира на краю
снова дуновение и голос
и волны света

в голубой ночи

я боюсь.
как это странно
река полна огромным небом
и шепчут фонари,
а я никогда, никогда
не могу ничего сказать

да, я танцую в метро
все силуэты сна,
снег на ресницах,
все знаки солнца
и все же не понимаю, зачем

где-то
в тумане

весь причал,

где вечер окрылен

присутствием души.

а я вплетена
в литанию основ.

я не чувствую
даже тишину.

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diary4594

what could it be, to dance satori? someone asks. and is it possible while dancing hip-hop? i don’t know, but sure it doesn’t depend on the dance style. maybe it feels like falling awake in slow motion when dusk is a breath of forever, gently filling blue spaces between seconds with what sustains a hum of breeze inside. and in the fogged glow of a warm exile, being the quiet witness to straying clouds.

untitled

rest in peace, dear Mario the cat.
love you so much and you shall always be a part of my heart.
you are the sweetest cat angel in the sky now.

h5jxpfdm

 

 

on physical and emotional abuse

today, i had a conversation with a friend about physical and emotional bullying, both very destructive for the victims of them. after this, i’ve decided to write about my experience, though i already wrote some things about abuse on this blog.
having lived with a narcissist for a long time during my very young years, i was subject to both physical and emotional abuse. it reduced the sense of my worth to zero, and led to later physical and mental illnesses. when i think of it, what hurts more is not even the physical scars, but what he did to me emotionally. the constant talk of how wrong i was, the scrutiny of each movement i made. suddenly he treated me well and smiled, but then, the kinder i was, the more he was raging. i was too young to understand that such people have a deep aversion to kindness though they pretend they have the best intentions. but their twisted violent minds just need to feed on your energy. not sure what would happen to me if another massive trauma wouldn’t erase him from my life.
what i’ve realized after the abuse that happened to me again a month ago is that i still follow this pattern, that a part of me is still attracted to people who are similar to that man. probably because it’s in my nature to give my heart away and to trust completely, not noticing the signs screaming that something is wrong. and bullies, they are attracted to me too.
i see how this pattern works now, finally, even through all the blindfolds that PTSD and dissociation put on my eyes.
what have i written this for? i hope that if a girl or a woman in a similar situation reads it, it may help. i know how uneasy this all can be. how uneasy it is to admit sometimes that an emotional bullying happens. but don’t EVER let any man tell you something is wrong with you. you are beautiful, you are worthy, you are amazing and you deserve only the gentlest love in your life. only the one who daily cares about you, appreciates your boundaries and doesn’t hurt you, both with actions and words.
if you need a talk about it or a support, write to my e-mail moonfish.yandex.ru
i’m now open about my experience and shall try to help you with what i can.
love and light.

красота

благая весть
сменяет сумерки
из сферы чудного
мерцания,
и замирает небосвод
в стихии радости.
а в трепетных ладонях
тишины спускается
свет Звезды Вифлеема
и теплее на душе.
все, что дышит
все, что поет-
как в волшебном вихре.
а вдоль пути
ладан, смирна
и россыпь даров
венчает день рождества.